July 26, 2004 - 13:23
decided to stop cutting because it's gross and pointless and doesn't help. neither does punching things or swearing at inanimate objects.
everyone was watching home movies so i stayed in my room for three hours last night and two this morning. i hate a record of what i was like when i was little existing, when i was too young to understand i was being filmed. it would be less horrible if it was just someone in my family watching tapes in their bedroom, but the entire family or my sister and her friends watch, and then people i hate or avoid being around or talking to can see what i was like ten years ago. i used to steal them and threaten to smash them with a hammer or burn them, and i erased one once. and i've always hated them..they stopped filming when i was eight. when i was nine i remember punching my friend because she insisted upon going out in the living room and watching them.
i was also thinking about clothes earlier. i have either let my parents buy for me or worn basically the same clothes every day. jeans and blue or black shirts for the past four years. before that i wore gray an entire year..and before that i wouldn't take off this green long-sleeved shirt and jeans, and there are always things i'll wear anywhere but school. if i painted my fingernails at home i'd bite it off in first period. if i got new shoes i'd wear the ones that were falling apart for another week or two. some sort of compromise between not having control over and having control over it.
..other than all that, i'm getting my grandparents' old couch, which pulls out into a bed..and their other exercise bike.