September 21, 2004 - 15:45
my sister has a boyfriend who's one year younger than me. one week in high school, and i never even talked to a boy i didn't hate or at least dislike.
anyway, i was right, she is going to do everything before me. she'll have a car and a job before me, is already planning to cut school (with parental approval, but still, i haven't cut school even with that. i just stayed in my room every time i stayed home). i haven't had a best friend in six years and she has a new one every year. she's out all night while I'm sitting at home listening to my mother complain, watching movies, or checking the same pages over and over again on the computer. it's like being a teenager has completely skipped over me.
everyone here sees that i have no life and since i dropped out and haven't gotten a ged yet, no future, and they feel sorry for me. i blame it all on my environment. that and that i'm not on a billion different medications to prevent me from having a panic attack every time i go down the street. i'm bored, lonely, and nervous, but the nervousness prevents me from getting rid of the boredom and loneliness, and the more time i'm bored and lonely the less human contact i can stand. and the more mindless activities i fill my day with, since it's so hard to just sit down and read now.
i feel stupid and helpless thinking of ways to get out of this..security is the only thing that adults care about, and they're happy if they're warm and well-fed and comfortable. i can't justify doing something that would make me happy but that would mean not having a roof over my head or a steady source of income.