November 14, 2005 - 15:13
Starting a new diary is awkward. You have to come up with a new vehicle for writing online..establish a new personality. And there's no point in doing that. My sister's going to be home in an hour; she'll yell at me for not having any rolling papers or bringing her library book back from my dad's place, although it seems like that happened yesterday and I really should have given it back by now. My mother's boyfriend is coming over for dinner and I feel like I'm going to embarass myself, like someone who has to take responsibility for something just after they've gotten drunk.
I'm going to college next year, thanks to the first, most difficult part of the process being taken out of my hands: calling to ask about the GED. I have done nothing for two years because of my reluctance to interact with people. It seems crazy that's that the reason. The first year, it was also getting as far away as possible. Actually I don't even know how long it's been because I don't bother to count time any other way than by grade. I don't know how I'll manage to sit through class, but at least there will be work to distract me. I have started taking cough medicine, self-medicating myself, but I don't think it would be a good idea to take that every day.
At my dad's yesterday I slept nine hours, then another twelve, all day. I had a long, complicated dream about being molested as a child and then living with the person who did it ten years later. I woke up long enough to wonder why I'd been dreaming about molestation for so long, then fell asleep and dreamt about bondage, torture, and getting lost in a familiar city.
A guy who went around suggesting that every young television character who misbehaves be spanked until they can't sit down for a week got the usual response..that violence isn't the answer and that corporal punishment teaches the child that the strongest, more powerful person is always right. I think this is why I like sadomasochism. I associate being able to intimidate people or hurt them, or myself, with having power. Why is it sexual? After this strange guy made me watch him masturbate, whenever my father got really angry at me, in the back of my mind I would think that he was going to rape me or something like that, so I began to associate the threat of violence with sex. That's nice, but I also see physical affection as a passive form of anger.
Maybe that added to it or made it stick, but it doesn't explain the sexual part because I was playing with Barbies and pretending they were kidnapping, tying up and beating each other a few years before that, and thinking about it when I was as young as five. So, I don't know.
Have to go to sleep or else I won't be awake for dinner. Oh, the end of episode 5 of Twin Peaks is the greatest. Audrey Horne, in bed, naked.